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Thank you!!! 

Gabby

My Thoughts On Balloon Boy

Balloon boy captured my fascination, too, Dear Blog Readers.  It was certainly the most exciting part of my day as I played with my one year old and three year old.  At first, I wanted to give the family the benefit of the doubt.  I felt bad for them.  But, as more information surfaced, it appeared the dad was so desperate for money and fame that he'd concocted the entire episode. 

The turning point was when 6 year old Falcon Heene said something like "you said we did this for the show" on national television. 

Question for Richard Heene:  "Say butt?!"

So then there was this video launch of the balloon, which Richard Heene's son was recording.  It appears the son had the camera turned on a little too soon.  I didn't fully "get" this video because it appears they were going to purposefully let the balloon go, then Richard Heene gets mad because the tether is not down and the balloon floats off into the sky.  He's pretty pissed off about it and kicks some stuff around him and starts yelling. 

So essentially the balloon floats off and Richard gets mad because, um, they were purposefully letting it go?  I'm not sure what these people were thinking but I had a new epiphany:

I am not the most bizarre person in the world.  (Word to Mr. Valentine: I'm not SO bad, dude! I could be A LOT crazier!) 

Maybe they got caught up in the moment and couldn't find their kid and thought this would cause a diversion.  Who knows.  My point is that people are desperate for fame these days and when you step back it's kind of silly.  It's become absurd, actually, the things people will do to be accepted into this elite group of famous people.  I often wonder what happens once you're THERE.  Famous, celebrityish, etc.  I think it's probably a lot of high school popularity contests as in: "We like you!  You're in! No wait, now we don't!" type of stuff.  The struggle to keep your "spot" in that world would be intense. 

And the pressure on a child like Falcon Heene from this point on will be intense.  I think it's no wonder why children put in this position of sudden fame and intense scrutiny often have such harsh addictions and issues later in life.  Therefore, can we REALLY judge Lindsay Lohan?  I don't like the choices she's made in her life, but if I were in her shoes might I have turned out as doped up and talent wasting?  I totally might have!

I can honestly say that, even though my kids are adorable and would make cute child models or actors, I'd rather they be smart, get a high education, and have a relaxing, fun youth without the pressures that celebrity would bring them.  Money can't buy happiness (look at all the unhappy people out there with money).

Daily Gratitudes:

1. We have been desperate for money at times in our life but Mr. Valentine would never make an air balloon and pretend to send our kid up in it. 

2. It is a blustery day.  That means I might get some blog time.  I'm SO behind on my posting.

3. We move out on the 31st.  Wow.  But I rarely know what day of the week it is so I can just float along, like Lindsay Lohan in this wonderful state of oblivion of not knowing what's going on around me. 

4. I have a coping mechanism for the chaos of moving called the Internet, which keeps me sane during these difficult times.

5. Jack Sheet.  (inside joke)

An Inspiring story

On Sunday, Elder David A. Bednar who is  an Apostle (leader) of the LDS church came to speak at our Stake, (a meeting center for a group of the churches within an area).  Everyone in our Stake was excited and wondered why he was coming to speak - there was a lot of talk and wonder about what changes were going to be made and what the big announcements would be.  (Having an Apostle come to your Stake is a HUGE deal).  We were 20 minutes late to this session, not for lack of our trying, but we DID arrive in time to hear him begin speaking. Whew.

He took the pulpit and spoke of his arrival in our city.  The Stake President picked him up from the airport.  Elder Bednar said "do you know why I'm here?".  The Stake President said "no, I thought you'd be telling me?".  Elder Bednar answered "I had a feeling I should come to your Stake but I don't know why.  I have no major speech prepared so I don't know what to expect this weekend."

Then he asked the Stake President who he'd been praying for.  Was there anyone he was there to see?  The Stake President was surprised.  He'd prayed for many, but he did have a feeling about a specific member who had problems with alcohol - it was interfering with his health and family. 

Elder Bednar went to his home and gave the man a blessing.  The next day, Sunday, he gave us all the speech, which was very inspiring.  He spoke of praying, but also listening.  We often pray and don't really ask for specifics.  Then, we wonder where our answer is but we often don't really listen for the answer or don't trust the answer when it shows up.  He spoke of his trip as an example - he had a feeling to visit our small Stake in our No Big Deal City, and he followed it without knowing exactly why or what exactly he'd say. 

He continued to speak.  Then he stopped for a moment.  Then he said "You can do this".  It was apparent at that point that he was speaking about struggling in life.  And not just struggling to be a better church member, it was about struggle in our everyday lives in many areas: the gospel, but also finances, health, employment, family, parenting, etc.  His message was to keep hoping and to keep trying and to continue to listen to your intuition on what paths to follow as obstacles come our way.

He also spoke of praying specifically and that if you pray for something general and generic you may wonder why you don't get specific answers.  He also mentioned that we may BE the answer - perhaps instead of praying that so-and-so will be helped that WE should go try to be that help, in some way. 

I really liked his message and I think it can be applied across all religions and even to people who are not spiritual.  Listen to your intuition on what paths to take.  Have hope and keep trying.  You can do it, think positively and share your talents and kindness with others. 

Daily Gratitudes:

1. The Apostle gave our son a "bump" which he kept telling people about that day.  My son and daughter have such cute language at this toddler stage, it's adorable to hear them talk about everything.

2. I have felt great the last week, so it's a nice change.  My husband notices it. But he says I am too passionate about huge topics (like being pro-gay marriage) and then have no passion about the right here right now stuff.  I think it's because I was never allowed to have an opinion growing up and this feels so great to have one and express it.  Mr. V gets the brunt of my rants and rages about the wrongs in society. 

3. I have broken the CSS/html code.  I can now customize templates and such (I'm not GREAT yet, of course. But it's something I've been working on for a year nowin the late, late evenings after the kids go to sleep).  Wow.  When I was young, I NEVER would have said "I think I'll LIKE computers and code stuff when I grow up." NEVER.

4. I have a new site I'm customizing.  It's SO bizarre and offbeat that the company called me to see if it was legitimate.  For $6 a month I can host sites here and that's a great deal.  Mr. Valentine comes across people often who would love a basic website, but don't know where to start AND who can't afford to pay the full cost to whomever he's working for at the time.  This way, I could set something up for them and bring in some cash (not huge money, yet, of course cause I'm still new at it).  Speaking of websites, I have a facebook that has NOTHING on it.  It's not pimped out in the slightest and I keep getting friends and feel bad and have to apologize with the disclaimer: "you can be my friend but I haven't pimped out my page yet, sorry!")   

5. We move in about two weeks.  We are excited. I am nervous too. 

Bonus! # 6.  My kids have been really good (or maybe it's these parenting books I've been reading?...)

Mr. Valentine has been pushing me to start anti-depressants. But I'm like, no dude, they make me WAY too tired.

It's October 15th.  Five and a half months have gone by since I started this blog.  I look back on the five months and don't see much improvement in my mental wellbeing.  If anything, I'm way more depressed then when I started out.  I KNOW.  Not ANOTHER sob post, huh?  But yeah, I see that I haven't really been that positive on this blog.  I have a lot more inside me that I could share with others.

Next, I'm tired of feeling guilty.  For being a "bad" mom, a "bad" wife, a "bad" church member, etc.  The list goes on and I'm tired of feeling guilty about it because guilt compiles and compounds and does nothing for my complexion. 

I'm starting a clean slate with no guilt.  People can't make me feel a certain way, I allow myself to feel this way.  I have reasons that I think have influenced my reaction.  Such as my husband hasn't had a job in years that provided enough for us to make it.  Such as he's gone a lot (like 12 hours+) and still...no money.  Such as we've constantly struggled with keeping the kids coralled into a safe area in the three houses we've been in this last year.  Not having a way to coral them (and we've tried gates, etc) doesn't work - they climb and push and get out.  When we cook or shower or whatever where they need to be safe for short spurts it just doesn't work.  Not that I'm trying to keep them captive but keeping them in the living room while I do something important in the kitchen for example WOULD be less frustrating. 

The big one: we haven't had a safe yard to play in since my kids were born. That means they spend the majority of the time in the house because of weather and since my son began running from me at the playground we rarely go do anything outdoors.  I have to wait for a day when Mr. Valentine will be home so he or I can go separately or we can take the kids together.

Through it all we've fought.  I mean fought in the way that after the last five years our marriage is practically ruined.  Two people couldn't dislike each other more than we do.  But we're not getting divorced.  It's just...tough to make any progress. 

I feel like a waitress.  Sure, I wanted to be a SAHM.  When I worked full time I had a very stressful job and worked through both pregnancies.  All I wanted was to be a SAHM.  But I haven't stopped to enjoy any of it, I feel, even after I became a SAHM - we went through the bankruptcy, foreclosure, several job losses, three moves, a car accident and a fire.  And more that I just can't remember right now.  All of which caused me severe, debilitaing worry.  I mean, chronic to a point of becoming sick.

Thankfully, we've had enough money to get through this summer.  We were able to replace necessities and we've had a nice place to stay after the fire.  I don't think I ever stopped to really feel anything? Emotions, I mean.  Inside, I mainly feel bitter, angry, frustrated, tired and worried.  Maybe that's why I'm feeling kind of depressed lately. 

Anyway, I have a lot of fixing to do.  I don't feel fulfilled in my life.  I certainly don't feel like what I pictured I would be back when I became pregnant with my son.  And that's not to say I don't feel for others who have LESS.  I know I've got it made, compared to many. 

When I feel this down and out I get creative (don't ask me why, it's wierd) and I made a new blog.  This one is going to be anonymous and more magazine-y, but I'll let you Dear Blog Readers check in, if you'd like. Send me a tweet @funkyvalentine or e mail to info@theinmomniac.com and I'll fill you in. 

Then, on my new pretty things blog I played around with the header and colors and the html and I think I'm pleased with it.  I'm just going to post fun, happy, pretty things and write about inspiring people I come across.  On a bad day, this will be good for me.  There isn't a lot there, yet, but it will grow. 

I'll still post on this blog, of course.  It's my baby. 

Love,

Gabby

Daily Gratitudes:

1. We're alive. Still. Thankfully!

2. My kids are healthy.

3. Mr. Valentine found a black widow spider on our front door.  OUR FRONT DOOR.  My son's room is right off of the front door.  Had it got in....Ugh.  The thought creeps me out.  I hate spiders. 

4. Mr. Valentine and I still look at each other and smile after a fight.  And it's all better, somehow.  Cause he's charming and cause I can't EVER keep a straight face!  Dammit!

5. It's October 15th.  We're nearly halfway through his last year of college.

Sorry

Hey, Dear Blog Readers.  I've been exhausted.  Yes, like it's some form of chronic fatigue or something.  Or maybe a parasite.  Neither of those conclusions helps me feel better.  I DO get quite creative when I'm this exhausted and have come up with some fun stuff lately but don't have much energy to post it just yet.  I promise, soon.  Hey, and if I haven't read your blog in a couple weeks and usually DO just know I'll be there, soon. 

Heart,
Gabby

A Feeling Of Less is More. (It's All the Rage, Actually, According to Nobel...)

First, I'll say that I DO think Nobel has dropped its standards from using words like "achieving" and "accomplishing" to "trying", "making efforts to", and "creating public knowledge of".  Yeah, Obama hasn't pulled a Martin Luther King, Jr. or a Mother Teresa yet, in my opinion.  But he's making an effort to create peace as well as generate public awareness and motivation towards the change of a lot of huge issues.  Is he perfect? No.  Is he evil?  No.  

I doubt seriously he woke up to say "I'm going to be President and make everyone hate me AND I'm going to conspire to win the Nobel Peace Prize before I've actually achieved anything."

Actually? It was probably a little embarassing for him.  He even expressed that much, humbly.  Some people think he shouldn't have accepted it, but that would have shown leaders around the world that he was a wuss, too.  So he was in a wierd spot. 

If you look at the last several winners in the last decade many did not accomplish what they were awarded the prize for.  They made "great efforts", "for trying to", "generate public knowledge of" whatever the prize was for.  It appears Nobel has just lowered its requirements a bit, not that Obama conspired to win with an evil "BWAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA". 

So in other news, I have been taking it easy.  I had a few really down & out weeks this last month and once again have tried to stop and re-evaluate how life is going and what I can do to help it move in a positive direction. 

I need some time off just for me each month.  Even if it's just one day off where I can go be alone for a day without kids and look at what I'd like.  Mr. Valentine gets time to himself (even though he fills this time often with work and school - he STILL gets hours upon hours more alone time than I do that are not filled with obligations), so I've realized that I'd like, need and even deserve a day off. 

I also need some set time weekly/bi-weekly for errands & grocery shopping.  I cannot express how frustrating it is to make it through the grocery store with two carts and two screaming kids.  A set time without the kids would mean a much quicker trip with more informed decisions - healthier meals, etc.  As it is now, I grab and go without thinking about nutrition value.

I'm taking away stuff that keeps getting messed up or pushed over or stepped on.  Like this little rug thing we all trip on and that chair in the kitchen that causes so much frustration and I'm unplugging one phone so that when someone calls I don't get kids yelling in the other line so that I can't hear who I'm speaking to on my line.

I'm finishing my to do list.  I've had lots of these things on my list for the last 5 months, since the fire, and within just two months we'll be moving back into our old/new house (the rental house that burned is being rebuilt).  Which means I'd better be organized or it will be chaos for MONTHS afterwards.  Since so much is from scratch for the house, we're scoping out vintage shops and craigslist for good finds.  Today we found two old retro style couches which we can cover with sheets for the kids rooms for a total of $20.  That was a steal for two couches that the kids will love sitting on to read, etc, and the woman threw in an old table, which will go well in my son's room.  We also got some .25 - .50 cent frames which we'll end up painting and putting photos in or - *cool idea* - fun looking gift bags cut to fit the frames for a low cost but pretty wall decoration. 

I've stopped drinking diet pepsi max.  Again.  I go through phases.  I think I'm much nicer when I don't drink a two liter a day, lol.  It makes me feel like I'm a better person, at least, knowing two liters of anything a day can't be that good for you. 

I got a library card.  It's been 6 years since I've had one.  I was worried I'd have some old fines on there but, alas, they approved it.  This means further enlightenment.  I'm going to read more and take more time for me.  I put The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (at the advice of my friend, Natasha) on hold.  Here are some other reference style, non-fiction books I got in the meantime:

Even June Cleaver Would Forget The Juice Box by Ann Dunnewold

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

The Gift of ADHD by Lara Honos-Webb

Small is the New Big by Seth Godin

The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35 by Alison James

Children Are From Heaven by John Gray

The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley

Forced to Be Family by Cheryl Dellasega

and the big one:

The New York Times Guide to Practically Everything.  Which is a big, honkin book full of stuff I probably don't know much about.  I'm hoping it will bring me a little more street smarts.  ; )

Daily Gratitudes:

1. I can read.

2. I LOVE to read.

3. Today was a great day.  The kids behaved, even.  I didn't feel rushed or angry.

4. I'm sleeping, a little more, thanks to Ambien.

5. Mr. Valentine is very willing to help me get some time to myself.  I just need to ask a little more instead of wishing, silently.